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Frequently Asked QuestionsANSWER: IRT is a practical skills training process that teaches you how to navigate the complex business of relating intimately to another person. Through this process you can come to know and understand first yourself and then that other person, so that you can develop and sustain warm, loving feelings for them. You can learn these skills by yourself, or even better, with your partner. QUESTION: The term "skills training" sounds more like a physical fitness program. What does that have to do with human feelings and relationships? ANSWER: In a sense, you're right. This is about "fitness training" - relationship fitness! We live in a time when we expect a great deal from our relationships, often with scarce supportive input for the relationship itself. But just as a fit body and healthy mental outlook can better withstand the inevitable stresses of daily living, so can a fit relationship better withstand the pressures that are part of being alive. QUESTION: That makes sense, but it still doesn't have much to do with feelings. ANSWER: Again, you're absolutely right, that to help our relationships we must be concerned with feelings. The byline of IRT is "healing the world one heart at a time." The process is termed therapy because it is directly concerned with healing in the emotional realm. To feel truly intimate and connected with another person, we need to feel that we are known and accepted as we really are. We yearn for this closeness and connectedness. Yet we need to feel honored and respected as separate individuals, with distinctive histories and experiences that shaped and continue to shape us. Our reactions to another's behavior and particularly that of another with whom we are closely engaged, are strongly influenced by that individual history, often in unconscious ways. Because this personally historic influence is so often unconscious, we sometimes aren't even sure ourselves just why we're so frustrated or hurt by our partner's behavior. Further, we are even more unsure why they are behaving that way. But generally we are already reacting to our frustration before we even know it. Our reaction is picked up by our partner who reacts in turn. They may not even be fully aware that they are reacting to us. But for some reason or another they begin to spend more time at the office, at mom's house, on the phone, at the bar and so on. All of this behavior is mitigated by feelings - feelings that need to be understood and communicated in a way that is safe. And that is where skills and tools become vital. Skillful, caring, safe communication can make the difference between a warm, joyful and compassionate relationship and one which is characterized by fear, isolation and avoidance. All of us need to have skills that allow us to honor and respect another's individuality while welcoming them into the sanctity of our inner most world. The initial stage of romantic relationships often kindles powerful feelings of aliveness and connectedness. But as two separate people begin to emerge from that initial blissful fusion, we need a set of skills to be able to continue to honor and respect the other person's separateness, even as we would have them honor and respect ours. It is this important combination that gives us the feeling of hopeful anticipation and deep connectedness. QUESTION: But I'm single. Why should all this interest me? ANSWER: Our relationships actually begin while we're single. We are drawn to certain kinds of potential partners, and that attraction is controlled by our unconscious mind. Our unconscious is a product of that unique individual history we just spoke of. The more we know about these unconscious influences, the better we are able to make wise and conscious choices in picking a partner. We also can develop effective ways of communicating early in a relationship and avoid some of the pitfalls that strike the unprepared! QUESTION: How is the Imago process viewed in the public eye? ANSWER: Public recognition has come in many forms. First is the popular acceptance of the therapy model. Oprah Winfrey has become an ardent supporter of the process as the most effective marriage therapy she has seen. Harville Hendrix has been on her program, the nationally televised Oprah Show, several times, demonstrating the process with couples who have been experiencing crises in their relationships. He usually works before the program with three couples, spending a full day with them in typical therapy sessions, all of which are videotaped. Oprah’s producers visit the homes of the couples, taping some background shots. The entire tape is edited to fit into the time available on the Oprah Show. Most recently, on March 28th, 2003, an entire hour was devoted to Harville’s work. A tape is available at Oprah’s website for $29 showing the complete show. It’s a very good illustration of the impact the Imago work can have on relationships. One of the participants said that her therapy experience with her husband was the most intimate time in her entire life, including conceiving their daughter! The April, 2003 edition of “O” Magazine had a major article by Harville and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, with whom he has collaborated on development of the Imago model for many years. That entire article is carried at the end of my Newsletter on this website. The article is an excellent review of the Imago process.  |
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Tel: 412-362-0311 |
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